i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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