I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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