Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
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