I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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