My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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