I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
