I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
be right there i have to get my cape
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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