i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
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BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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