new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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