i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
