Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
