if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
