I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
