it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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