When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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