When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
