And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
