it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
