my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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