I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
