I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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