I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
