Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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