Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
