I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
