What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
