My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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