My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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