if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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