my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have aggressive nipples.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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