I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
