The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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