my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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