He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
