That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
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I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
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No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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