FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
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I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
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I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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