are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
