Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
