My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
