you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
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Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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