Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
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Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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