I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
