I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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