If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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