hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
