how do flat chested girls get laid?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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