I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
When are your genitals available?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
