I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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