Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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