Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
