are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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