My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
