God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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