I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
