I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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