I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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