I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
